When narcistic performance takes a centre stage in at church!!

The relationship cycle typical of extreme narcissistic abuse generally follows a pattern. Individuals in emotionally abusive relationships experience a dizzying whirlwind that includes three stages: idealization, devaluing, and discarding. This cycle can repeat numerous times, spinning a merry-go-round of emotional vertigo for those caught in such relationships.

In the beginning of a romantic relationship with a person affected by narcissism, an individual may describe the initial infatuation stage as “otherworldly.” The emotional high can feel like a drug cocktail as potent as cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, all rolled into one noxious dose that lasts a few weeks, months, or in some cases a year or slightly more. Targets of narcissistic abuse report feeling as if they have found their soulmate and can’t believe their good fortune that this seductive courtesan has elevated them to soaring heights upon a pedestal. “Love bombing” is a phrase describing this stage, in which the narcissistic person may smother the target with praise, courting, intense sex, vacations, promises of a future together, and designation, essentially, as the most special person ever.

Soon the relationship proceeds into a more comfortable rhythm. Perhaps the sex continues at a high intensity or it may begin to wane a bit. Gradually, the target begins to see bright red flags that indicate a problem in this fantastical paradise. The person with narcissism often may begin—subtly, insidiously, and covertly—to devalue his or her significant other. This may happen via putdowns, gaslighting, intermittently lacking emotional or physical intimacy, withdrawing affection, seductive withholding, inexplicably disappearing from contact, or blaming the target for the narcissistic person’s issues (projection).

Ultimately, the person with narcissism discards his or her dating partner, who served as a source of narcissistic supply to fuel the ego of the individual with narcissistic issues. When the target asks for compromise, reciprocity, empathy, integrity, honesty, and boundaries (all healthy and valid requests that people with extreme narcissistic qualities generally do not engage in), the person with narcissism may decide that the target has lost his or her luster and is tarnished—no longer the “perfect partner” to fluff the ego feathers. Inevitably, the discarding occurs when the person with narcissism either disappears or orchestrates his or her own abandonment by engaging in some form of egregious emotional abuse. The outcome is often shocking for the survivor, unclear as to how someone that he or she fell so deeply in love with could throw it all away.

In most cases, survivors of narcissism were able to offer empathy, compassion, authenticity, honesty, reciprocity, and compromise during the relationship. People with narcissistic tendencies are drawn to such empathic, deeply feeling people and know that, on some level, they personally are lacking in emotional depth and substance. By being in a relationship with such a nurturing, loving person, the person with narcissism is able to consume that person’s authentic love and extract narcissistic supply. Once fed over the course of days, weeks, or months, the person with narcissism is satiated and may grow bored with his or her partner. He or she must secure the supply of another target, usually in short order.

Survivors can heal and move forward with the help of psychotherapy and support in narrating their story and resolving the trauma of emotional abuse. Understanding the dynamics of abuse empowers survivors to lessen any cognitive dissonance remaining as a result of gaslighting and other emotional abuse. Armed with knowledge, survivors understand the relationship cycle they endured and can move forward with enough protective armor such that they can jump off the merry-go-round of emotional abuse and be just fine.

Narcissistic projection is a psychological defense mechanism (good son vs bad son theory) that involves attributing one's own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or behavior to someone else. In other words, a person who engages in narcissistic projection may unconsciously project their own flaws, insecurities, or negative qualities onto others, while denying them in themselves. For example, a person who has a tendency to lie may accuse others of being dishonest. Or a person who is deeply insecure about their appearance may criticize someone else's looks. This projection helps the person avoid taking responsibility for their own issues and allows them to maintain their self-image as perfect or superior. Narcissistic projection is often associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a mental health condition characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. People with NPD may engage in projection as a way of protecting their fragile self-esteem and avoiding criticism or negative feedback. However, projection is not unique to people with NPD and can occur in anyone under certain circumstances.

Narcissistic projection at work refers to a psychological defense mechanism used by individuals with narcissistic personality disorder to project their own flaws, insecurities, and negative traits onto others in the workplace. In the workplace, this can manifest in various ways such as taking credit for other people's work, blaming others for their mistakes, belittling or demeaning colleagues, and refusing to take responsibility for their own actions. These behaviors are often an attempt to protect the narcissist's fragile ego and maintain their sense of superiority and control. However, they can also create a toxic and unhealthy work environment, causing stress and low morale among co-workers. If you suspect that you or someone you know is exhibiting narcissistic projection in the workplace, it is important to address the issue and seek professional help if necessary. Effective communication and setting boundaries can also help to mitigate the negative effects of this behavior.

HOW DO WE LIMIT NARCISSISTIC LEADERSHIP TENDENCIES IN THE CHURCH?

11 July 2019 Stephen Kneale Uncategorized Comments Offon How do we limit narcissistic leadership tendencies in the church?

Churches are places where it is very easy for one man to hold all the power. Even in churches with multiple elders, it is possible for one man to be the de facto leader who wields a power that nobody else holds. Just as many narcissists end up in business and politics, both being concerned with power, the church holds a similar attraction for narcissistic believers. Those who crave power in Christian circles are bound to be drawn towards leadership roles where they may dominate. The problem with narcissism is that it is fundamentally centred on the self. The problem with sinners is that we are fundamentally centred on ourselves (at the centre of sin is ‘I’ and all that). So it is very easy for sinners to end up sharing some of the personality traits of narcissists, being as we are essentially focused on the same thing. But, of course, narcissim goes beyond mere self-centredness of a general kind and manifests in nine traits:

• Exaggerated self-importance

• Fantasies about beauty, success, and/or power dominate thoughts.

• Belief one is special and can only relate only to other “special” people.

• Need to be admired all the time.

• Belief they are entitled to most things.

• Manipulation and taking advantage of others.

• Lack of empathy; ignoring the feelings and needs of others.

• Envy other people.

• Haughty or arrogant behaviour.

Common behaviours of narcissists include:

• Frequent lies and exaggeration

  • Narcissists often strive to make themselves seem superior and “special” by showing off, bragging, taking undeserved credit, and other forms of self-aggrandizement

• Rarely admitting flaws & aggression when criticised

  • When challenged, the narcissist is likely to either fight (e.g., temper tantrum, excuse-making, denial, blame, hypersensitivity, etc.) or take flight (bolt out the door, avoidance, silent treatment, sulking resentment, or other forms of passive-aggression.

• False image projection

  • Narcissists tend to project false, idealized images of themselves to the world, in order to hide their inner insecurities. This can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally. The underlying message is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look at how special I am — I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”

• Boundary violation

  • Many narcissists enjoy getting away with violating rules and social norms. Examples include direct or subtle marginalizing remarks, public or private shaming and humiliation, sardonic humor and sarcastic comments, internet trolling, angry and hateful speech, and virulent attacks on undesirable individuals and groups. Many narcissists take pride in their destructive behaviors, as their machinations provide them with a hollow (and desperate) sense of superiority and privilege.

• Emotional invalidation and coercion

  • Narcissists habitually invalidate others’ thoughts, feelings, and priorities, showing little remorse for causing people pain. They often blame their victims for having caused their own victimization. Many have unpredictable mood swings and are prone to emotional drama. They become upset at any signs of independence and self-affirmation (“Who do you think you are!?”). They turn agitated if you disagree with their views or fail to meet their expectations. They are sensitive to criticism, but quick to judge others.

• Manipulation

  • Narcissists have a tendency to make decisions for others to suit their own agenda. Narcissists are also fond of using guilt, blame, and victimhood as manipulative devices. They often become critical, angry, intimidating, and/or hostile toward those who fail to bow down to their directives. They are often highly aggressive, with punitive measures (tangible or psychological) executed toward those who fail to recognize and obey their self-perceived authority.

I know you’re probably weighing up in your mind all the people you think this applies to. I shall leave you to decide which, if any, apply to you. But my purpose in putting this out there isn’t to start labeling people. I think there is a ready and easy temptation to start pointing fingers at others. But if the ministry is particularly prone to such leadership, how can we make sure that we aren’t leading in these ways and how do we stop our structures from allowing us to lead in these ways? Genuinely plural leadership It is easy to tell ourselves that we have a plurality of elders because we have more than one person that we call ‘elder’. But if your elders play second-fiddle to your pastor – especially if you use terms like Lead Pastor, Senior Pastor or such things – you immediately undercut genuine plurality. If you adopt the concept of primes inter pares, you are effectively setting one elder above another. Worst of all, if you self-select your elders and make sure they are all ‘yes-men’ who cannot call you out, then you have actively sought to undermine true plurality and parity. But an eldership where all elders are genuinely co-equal will not allow any one man to run amok. Elderships that have the ability to stop a pastor (or anyone else in a leadership position) from always setting the agenda, always pushing through their ideas and never being challenged will all help to limit narcissistic tendency. The more power that is shared meaningfully, the more the each elder is seen to humbly and willingly submit to the others – both in their teaching and their leadership in different areas – the more we restrict the possibility for narcissistic leadership. If we allow things to centre on one man, we feed narcissism. The more we spread authority and power – functionally and relationally – we limit the possibility of narcissism being able to take hold. Make space to hear criticism If you think you are special and are the only one who could possibly lead your church to glory, then you will not react well to criticism. In fact, you are likely to do all you can to make sure that nobody is able to criticise. The show must stay on the road; the illusion cannot be broken. The only way to avoid such narcissism is to actively make space for people who are likely to criticise to be able to do so. Whilst not a catch-all defence, the congregational members’ meeting would be the natural and obvious place for this. Allowing people to hear your plans and then critique them publicly will limit the possibility to any messiah complex. Allowing people to have an active stake in formulating and discussing the direction of church matters will also help. Giving people the room to tell you that your plans either won’t work or need modifying will help to impede the inevitable pride that will well up in us if we only ever surround ourselves with those who tell us we’re wonderful; those we’ve appointed on the principle that we’re a superstar and the team will only function if they all acknowledge it is so. But beyond church meetings, allowing people space to criticise your plans and leadership is important. It doesn’t mean they will always be right but it cannot possibly be the case that they will always be wrong. Narcissism thrives when people cannot critique thoughts and ideas – whether that is because there is no space to do so or because they know the leader will unload on them if they dare to demur. Centring on Christ not “your” ministry If you view the church as the means of advancing your fame, your name, your glory you will inevitably exhibit narcissistic tendency. Most of us are happy enough paying lip service to the idea of serving for God’s glory. But it is easy to tie God’s glory to our ministry success, which is only a short leap from ministry success to our own personal advancement. We can then connect the dots straight from God’s glory to our personal glory and serve our narcissistic tendencies whilst salving our Christian conscience. But, of course, it is God’s glory we ought to be serving. And that, ultimately, has nothing to do with your ministry success as we might judge success. Your ministry is a success if you have been faithful to Christ and faithfulness might mean ploughing on in difficult circumstances, sharing authority as scripture commands, receiving no platforms, seeing minimal numerical impact for the kingdom and then retiring in obscurity. And if you faithfully do what the Lord calls you to do, then your ministry has been a success regardless of how important you look to anybody else. The Lord delights to serve his glory in ways that appear humanly lame. Isaiah’s ministry of nobody listening, Jeremiah’s 40 years of no response, Jesus’ own ministry ending on a cross. And the Lord’s word to Jeremiah is the same to us: ‘seekest thou great things for thyself? seek them not’. Centring our ministry on Christ’s glory, and worrying much less about our own, will help. The moment we tie “our ministry” and worldly success or platforms to Christ’s glory, we have shifted away from our call to faithfulness and instead indulged our narcissism in seeking great things for ourselves.

• Triangulation. Someone using this tactic will try to pull a third person into your conflict, typically to reinforce their own opinion or position. Nomdee.

• Gaslighting. Someone trying to gaslight you tries to get you to doubt your own perspective and reality, often by twisting facts or insisting things you remember didn’t actually happen. Nomdee.

• Hoovering. This tactic involves attempts to reconnect, or pull you back into a toxic or abusive relationship. Thembelani.

• Silent treatment. This behavior becomes manipulative when someone purposely ignores you to control you or make you feel isolated. Nomdee.

• Scapegoating. Parents who use narcissistic manipulation may place all the blame on one child they designate as a scapegoat.Nomdee

• Passive aggression. Indirect blame-shifting, sabotage, and sarcasm can all point to covert narcissistic manipulation. Nomdee

They seem so perfect — at first

Narcissistic abuse tends to follow a clear pattern, though this pattern might look a little different depending on the type of relationship. Research from 2019 suggests that in a romantic relationship, this abuse typically begins slowly after you’ve fallen hard and fast.

It’s no wonder you fell for them. During the love-bombing phase, they seemed loving, kind, and generous. They made you feel special and adored with gushy compliments, affectionate displays, and expensive gifts. This early stage might have felt so intense and overwhelming you never stopped to consider whether they might be too fantastic. Then slowly, negging or other manipulative tactics began to replace the gifts and declarations of love.Narcissistic parents might also offer love, adoration, praise, and financial support until you do something to displease them and lose their favor. Then they, too, often turn to tactics like negging, silent treatment, and gaslighting.

People doubt the abuse took place

Narcissistic manipulation and abuse are often subtle. In public, these behaviors might be so well disguised that others hear or see the same behaviors and fail to recognize them as abuse. You might not even fully understand what’s happening. You only know you feel confused, upset, or even guilty for your “mistakes.” A narcissistic parent might gently say, “Are you sure you want to eat dessert?” Or they might turn a broken dish into a joke at your expense: “You’re so clumsy. You just can’t help yourself, can you?” They laugh with everyone in the room while patting your shoulder to make the insult seem well-intentioned.

This doubt can be doubly harmful. Not only does it dismantle your faith in your loved ones, but it can also lead you to wonder whether the abuse took place after all. Maybe you did read too much into their words or just imagined that look on their face.

They’ve started a smear campaign People with narcissistic traits often need to maintain their image of perfection in order to keep earning admiration from others. To do this, they may try making you look bad. Once you begin pointing out problems or questioning their behavior, they might lash out by:

• openly directing their rage toward you with insults and threats

• involving others in criticizing you

By telling stories to your loved ones that twist the facts about your “harmful” or “unstable” behavior, the narcissist tries to discredit you. Even worse, when you react angrily (who wouldn’t?), they can use your response to back up their lies. People with narcissism often have a knack for charming others. That persona they showed you in the beginning?Everyone else sees that still. They can often win support from your loved ones (who haven’t seen through the facade) by insisting they only have your best interests at heart. Then, when you try explaining the abuse, your loved ones might side with them.

You feel isolated If your loved ones don’t understand, you’ll likely feel pretty alone — which only increases your vulnerability to further narcissistic manipulation. The person abusing you may pull you back in with kindness, even apologies, or by pretending the abuse never happened. “Hoovering,” as it’s often called, tends to work better when you lack support. You’re more likely to doubt your perceptions of the abuse when you can’t talk with anyone about it. If your loved ones reach out to say you’ve made a mistake and encourage you to give the abusive partner another chance, you might end up doing so simply to regain your closeness with family and friends.

You freeze up People respond to abuse and other trauma in different ways. You might attempt to confront the abusive person (fight) or escape the situation (flight). If these methods don’t work or you feel unable to use them, you might respond by freezing or fawning. The freeze response usually happens when you feel helpless. It often involves dissociation since emotionally distancing yourself from the abuse can help decrease its intensity, effectively numbing some of the pain and distress you experience. Freezing can have some benefits in certain situations, but it doesn’t help much when you can escape from danger. Yet if you believe there’s no way out of the relationship, you might remain in it — and perhaps even respond by fawning, or working to keep your partner happy.

You have trouble making decisions A pattern of devaluation and criticism can leave you with very little self-esteem and confidence. Narcissistic manipulation often involves frequent implications that you make bad decisions and can’t do anything right. An abusive partner may call you stupid or ignorant outright, often with a falsely affectionate tone: “Honey, you’re so dumb. How would you manage without my help?” Over time, you might start absorbing these insults and attaching them to your self-perception, constantly second-guessing yourself as a result. Gaslighting tactics can also make you doubt your decision-making abilities. (Here’s how to respond.) If someone manipulates you into believing you imagined things that actually took place, you might continue doubting your perception of events. This uncertainty can affect your ability to make decisions well into the future.

You always feel like you’ve done something wrong A key characteristic of narcissism is difficulty taking responsibility for any negative actions or harmful behavior. Abusive partners typically find some way to cast blame on you instead. They might accomplish this through deceit, often by:

• insisting they said something you have no recollection of

• getting so angry you end up soothing them by apologizing and agreeing you were wrong.

Say you suspect they’ve cheated on you. You explain the concerning behaviors you’ve noticed and ask if something’s going on. A partner using narcissistic manipulation might respond with extreme anger. They may respond with accusations of their own and redirect blame, saying things that are intended to hurt and belittle you. These barrages of rage can leave you feeling helpless and dependent, grateful they’re willing to remain with someone who makes so many mistakes. Even after leaving the relationship, you might carry forward the belief you can’t do anything right. When things go wrong in other areas of life, you might start to blame yourself for causing those problems.

You have unexplained physical symptoms Abuse can trigger anxious and nervous feelings that sometimes lead to physical symptoms. You might notice:

• appetite changes

• upset stomach or nausea

• stomach pain and other gastrointestinal distress

• muscle aches and pains

• insomnia

• fatigue

Using alcohol and other substances can sometimes seem like a helpful way to manage these symptoms, especially insomnia. As a result, you might end up consuming more than you’d like in an effort to manage unwanted feelings or physical distress.

You feel restless and unsettled Narcissistic abuse can sometimes be unpredictable. You may not know whether they’re going to criticize you or surprise you with a gift. If you don’t know what someone will do or say at any given moment, you might develop a lot of tension from needing to regularly prepare yourself to face conflict. Worries about the constant stream of criticism and how to best handle the abusive behaviors you’re beginning to recognize can also leave you constantly on edge. You may not know how to relax anymore since you may not feel safe letting your guard down.

You don’t recognize yourself When facing abuse, many people eventually adjust their self-identity to accommodate an abusive partner. Say your partner insists, “When you go out with your friends, you’re telling me you don’t love me. You’d rather see them instead.” Of course, you love them, so you stop going out with your friends. Next, you give up your hobbies, skip after-work happy hour with co-workers, and eventually cancel your weekly visit with your sister. You spend time doing what your partner wants to do, so they know you really do care. These changes often lead to a loss of your sense of self, which can leave you feeling lost and empty. You might have a hard time enjoying life and lose sight of your sense of purpose.

You have trouble setting boundaries Someone engaging in narcissistic abuse often has little respect for boundaries. When you try to set or enforce limits, they might challenge them, completely ignore them, or give you the silent treatment until you do what they want. Eventually, you might give up on your boundaries entirely. Once you end the relationship or get distance from a narcissistic parent, you promise yourself you won’t answer their calls and texts or see them at all. If they know they can eventually wear you down, though, they might not let you go easily. Instead, they’ll keep calling and texting in the hopes of getting you to set aside your boundaries again. If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, you might also have trouble setting healthy boundaries in your relationships with others.

You have symptoms of anxiety and depression Anxiety and depression commonly develop as a result of narcissistic abuse. The significant stress you face can trigger persistent feelings of worry, nervousness, and fear, especially when you never know what to expect from their behavior. You might feel hopeless or worthless, lose interest in things that used to bring you joy, and have a hard time seeing hopeful outcomes for the future. It’s also common to have a lot of confusion over what caused them to change so abruptly, especially if you don’t know much about narcissistic manipulation. You might shoulder the blame for the abuse, perhaps believing their accusations that you must not care about them enough or blaming yourself for falling for their deception in the first place. Either can add to feelings of worthlessness and further diminish self-esteem.

How to find help Any kind of abuse can take a significant toll on mental and physical health. If your loved ones still doubt you or tell you to just move on, you may feel unheard and unsupported. This can make it hard to trust people again, leaving you feeling isolated and alone. Whether you’re just beginning to notice the first signs of narcissistic manipulation or still trying to make sense of an abusive relationship you’ve already left, therapy can help you begin healing. Therapy offers a safe space to:

• learn coping strategies to manage mental health symptoms

• practice setting healthy boundaries

• explore ways to rebuild your sense of self

A therapist who specializes in abuse recovery can validate your experience, help you understand that you aren’t at fault, and offer support through the early stages of recovery. What do victims of narcissistic abuse all have in common?

This is my opinion:

1. None of these victims ever, ever thought that such evil could exist on this planet - Gullible people. Easily deceived or tricked, and too willing to believe everything that other people say. Having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, or information; credulous: She's so naive she believes everything she reads. He has a very naive attitude toward politics. having or showing unaffected simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality; unsophisticated; ingenuous.

2. None of these victims thought that narcissists can be so crafty that they can fake things for years on end - Gullible people. Easily deceived or tricked, and too willing to believe everything that other people say. Having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, or information; credulous: She's so naive she believes everything she reads. He has a very naive attitude toward politics. having or showing unaffected simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality; unsophisticated; ingenuous.

3. All the victims thought that they found their soul mate. They found the destroyer instead - Gullible people. Easily deceived or tricked, and too willing to believe everything that other people say. Having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, or information; credulous: She's so naive she believes everything she reads. He has a very naive attitude toward politics. having or showing unaffected simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality; unsophisticated; ingenuous.

4. All the victims are good people who were lured into narcissism through love - All the church folks - not really street smart.

5. All the victims have lost parts of their hearts in this abuse

6. All the victims have found it hard to face the real harsh truth. This relationship is not about love at all - All the church folks - not really street smart.

7. All the victims are now experts of narcissism - Phathiswa

8. All the victims are aware how slowly the narcissist will manipulate you

9. All the victims have been duped big time.

10. All the victims will trust less in future.

11. All the victims have learned a real hard lesson in life

12. All the victims know the kind of danger you may be facing when the narcissist is part of your life

13. All the victims are familiar with what a smear campaign is all about and how widespread it can be