DAY 01
- It hurts Lord..........it hurts that I head from you, trusted, experienced it and walked in it, touched and
- I am hurt Lord...........super hurt..........I need your healing Father
- Lord I need clarity
- What happened? I asked for a loving husband from you. Am I not worthy of a loving husband Lord? Am I not worthy? How do I pray this pray so that you hear me. This one thing I prayed for fervently, honestly, this one thing I desired. A HUSBAND NOT A BOYFRIEND. How do I trust again Lord that you will provide me with a loving companion. How? After all this Lord, meeting family's Lord. The humiliation. I need a clear sign Lord. A very clear sign.
- Like I do not doubt you Lord at all but I am torn into pieces. Destroyed. How Lord? You are not a liar and you will never be. How Lord?
- I am angry Lord, I am bitter, I fought Lord, I did it all but I still miscarried. Still birth Lord. Speak to me Lord. What did I ever do not to get a LOVING HUSBAND? I DO NOT WANT TO BE SINGLE. I WANT A LOVING FAMILY.
- How do I continue? He just gave up just like that. He just gave up on us just like that.
- How do I move on and trust again.
- I want to trust your voice again and the Holy Spirit
- I am distraught Lord, how did we end noZ Lord, how come abanye abantu Lord benabayeni? Are they more worthy to have their family's.
- I NEED YOU TO SPEAK LORD NOT IN RIDDLES BUT IN COMPLETE PURE CLARITY
- I LOVED UZIZAMELE LORD WILL ALL MY HEART, I TRULY DID, WAS IT NOT ENOUGH?
- WAS I THAT DESPARATE ?
- THAT ONE THING i ever wanted marriage and a loving family? My daugther ngapha is sickly what did I ever do Lord? I don't hate you or not love you at all but what did I ever do wrong?
- I don't want things Lord but family, love and a loving marital relationship
- But I forgive Z and forgive everything
- Why have you not blessed me with Family Lord from birth till ngoku. I get that my daughter is family but a loving husband and other children Lord?
- I feel Bawo ngathi imitshato uyigcinele abantu abathile Bawo, such humilation, how do I look at "men" after this ngathi ndi desparate Bawo
- How can this fail when I prayed Lord? You are my only hope
- All I ever desired was to serve Z Lord, to serve and show him his Kingly anointing.
- All I ever desired was to have my own family.
- I believed. I prayed. I fasted. What did I ever do to you Lord. I am confused. I loved him whether he was for me or not I loved him. I am scared of man and their brokeness.
- I have many questions at relationships. I am not angry at you Lord. I am angry at the fact that I prayed and you answered and I lost the desire of my heart. I am not questioning you from ukudelela. I miscarried. Every time I was hurt from a relationship with anyone from family to boyfriends I gave it a try with more hope. But all my relationships failed this year. Church and all. Kusele friends (are you going to take them as well)? I love love? Who am I going to love. You know I love you and I believe you more than life itself. I am not questioning ubuNkulunkulu bakho Jehova. Ngizwa unbearable pain of defeat.
- That' s all
- I am super angry Lord at the failed relationships, Z, church, family Lord? Why, what did I ever do Lord not to have relationships mentioned.
- Am I mad, Did I hear you wrong, you are my confidence Lord. My only hope and family. What happened to placing the lonely in families Lord?
- I walked in my feminity. I served diligently.
WHAT AM I FEELING
- Grief and it is part of a normal human experience.
DAY 02
- I woke up with joy and a light heart. I could pray a meaningful prayer.
Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Lord I need resurrection from myself
John 11:25-26 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
1 Corinthians 15:42-44 So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; and it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.
Romans 14:8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Kanti he is close to me
- Lisel'hlaza inxeba, It was painful when I reflected ekuseni. Ndingu on and off emotionally!!
- Grief is a major wound
- Don't go looking for places with Z or running away from the word husband or family
14/09/2023
- I write him letters when I miss him and call my friends
- Worst day. I can't loose myself to this
- I need to accept is gone and delete all hope he will come back. This guy is gone gone. It will take to change his decision but he is gone. There is nothing I can do but I can't die with relationship dying. I have so much good going on. I love myself. I am a mother. I love my daughter and I need to provide for her and myself. I will not die or loose myself in this. I have come to far to fail. I am 5 to graduating in my masters. I landed my God given lecturing job. I have great supervisors. I am 5 to my PHD. I am happy and resilient. I will not go back to depression. I am accepting that the love I have Z is from God and supernatural. I cannot change it or delete it. But I will not allow it to run havoc in my life. I have boundaries and I will stick today. I did not work today.
STEP 01: I need to accept the relationship has ended and there is nothing I can do about it. Like I cannot make Bruce love Fefe. It is at that level. Period. I will pray for healing and acceptance. 20:03 I am calling SADAG and God. I still hold on to the word that he loves more life itself and that I must pray for what I want to see and why don't you trust me. It is not a humiliation to be single at 36 with one kid. It is a blessing in fact.
15/09/2023 - I got my healing from God the Father, the Holy Spirit. Social worker Genevieve ministered to me!!