8 Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Marriage

Emotional abuse is so slippery that observers and victims need to look at more than just one incident to find the signs of it. Emotional abuse is not, like physical abuse, easy to pinpoint as a bruise or broken bone, but rather a sustained pattern of behavior that leads the victim to feel as if he or she is “walking on eggshells” every time the abuser is present, and sometimes even when not.

If you look closely, however, the signs will always appear. Here are just eight that signal a deeper problem with emotional abuse:

1. The phrase, “I love you, but-…” — this indicates that the other person’s love is conditional. It seems nice at first, but actually erodes self-esteem because it is a form of backhanded compliment. In many cases, emotional abusers use the word “love” as an ace in the hole, manipulating it to gain control over the victim.

2. Constant humiliation or put-downs — this happens especially in the presence of other people and may be “disguised” as a joke. If the victim ever called the abuser out on it, they would be met with a brush off such as, “lighten up.”

3. Total financial control –like manipulating the word love, controlling finances to the point where the victim needs permission to make a purchase or feels guilty about money is a subversive way to exert control. It also demeans the victim’s sense of self by treating him/her like a child.

4. Gaslighting — in order to manipulate their victim through distorting their sense of reality, abusers will deny verifiable facts or deliberately present false information. This can range from simply denying the past to elaborate staging events with the intention of confusing the victim and making him/her question their sanity.

5. Inability to laugh at themselves — although they often “joke” about their victim’s shortcomings, emotional abusers are completely unable to see themselves as anything but perfect. They cannot use the “laugh at it” coping mechanism for awkward moments. They will feel especially threatened when others laugh at them, claiming it shows a “lack of respect”, another common phrase from the emotionally abusive. Their overall sense of humour may also be skewed or non-existent.

6. They use emotional distancing to “solve” and argument — using the silent treatment, withholding sex or physical contact, and general neglect and abandonment as “punishment” all serve to degrade the relationship and therefore the other person in it, causing their victim to feel even more vulnerable and alone and thus, “needing” their abuser.

7. Co-dependence — treating a partner as an extension of oneself rather than a separate person is a sign of emotional abuse. To do this, the abuser will often require frequent “check ins” when separated from the victim, fail to respect personal boundaries, and withhold information they don’t feel is “necessary” for the victim to know.

8. Constant blame — an emotionally abusive spouse fails to recognize how his or her own actions contribute to problems, whether personal, financial, or relationship-oriented. They therefore blame everything on their victim or others, often making excuses for their behaviour rather than owning it.